A part, but not apart.

Have you ever felt like you were a part of something, but not apart? Why is it that there are always people who are willing to let you be "a part" of something, but they don't want you to be apart. They don't really want you to work with them to accomplish anything, they don't want to lower their armor for even a little bit of relationship building. I have been fortunate enough to have 1 real man of God (you know who you are) be my friend. Who constantly checks in on me and sees how I have been. I crave more, but never get it. I crave more involvement at church, but get nothing. I worked long and hard to try become a part of the ministry work behind the scenes at my church. But have either constantly told "no" by family, "don't call us, we'll call you" from leadership. After years of this, it wears on me. I feel like what I was once so sure of is gone and I am instead left with a downgraded level of service, a cheap imitation of fulfillment in what God has asked of me. I began second guessing my mission, since then I have been in a constant circle of doubt, fear, shame, trying to manipulate God into just telling me what he wants from me. In the mean time, I have screwed up, more than a few times. I have become comfortable, complacent, and tolerant of a simple, less important life when God has called me to greatness. I feel at times as though this greatness I keep aspiring to is not for me. Maybe I misheard? Maybe I am one that is called to just be a part. Not apart. Jeremiah 1:4-8
The word of the Lord came to me, saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew[a] you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
Am I wrong to take this verse? Am I wrong that I was called, anointed and appointed? Am I not far enough set apart? All are questions I have asked my self. Many times I echo Jeremiah's words..
“Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”
It seems as though I should hear the same things that he does...
But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord
Yet I take the not hearing it as a sign that what I am asking, seeking, praying about, striving for is not what I should be. Am I wrong? Just a vent. In the end scope of things, I am sure that I am not the only one who is "apart" from people not "apart" of people. Just tough to deal with the isolation and feeling like I am stuck on an island with my Wife and boys.

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