Cycle of purpose

Romans 9:14-21

14 What shall we say then? Is there unrighteousness with God? Certainly not! 15 For He says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion.”[a] 16 So then it is not of him who wills, nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy. 17 For the Scripture says to the Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I may show My power in you, and that My name may be declared in all the earth.”[b] 18 Therefore He has mercy on whom He wills, and whom He wills He hardens. 19 You will say to me then, “Why does He still find fault? For who has resisted His will?” 20 But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, “Why have you made me like this?” 21 Does not the potter have power over the clay, from the same lump to make one vessel for honor and another for dishonor?

I have been having this difficulty lately in figuring out what God wants me to do. It is all at once the hardest and yet simplest thing to ponder. Hard because my mind wants to understand where I am going, why it is taking so long. Easy because all I have to do is keep trusting God the father and walking through the open doors he provides. My purpose, what is it? When will I get there? Will I ever have one thing that I am uniquely good at? Will I ever be able to feel satisfied by the things I do at church? at home? at work? These questions, and many others, flood my consciousness like water swirling the drain in my kitchen. However, the more I ponder, the more I do things, the more I live week to week, month to month, the less of a handle I feel I have on anything. Some men are good at preaching and evangelizing. Some men are good at hard work, manual labor. Some men have a keen understanding of how intricate software or hardware come together to form a machine. Then there's me. What am I to do? I love my wife, I attend church, I work to support my family, I read my bible, I pray, I allow God to transform my life. I volunteer at church, I help as many people as I can and love and respect many. But is that ever enough? AT this point in my life, I have to say that I feel a bit like the men and women Paul is addressing in Romans. So completely wrapped up in trying to find existence in God, trying to find meaning, trying to find what I am uniquely gifted at and feeling like I am constantly behind the ball. Everyone seems better at everything I do, I admit that to myself daily almost. Sometimes with a certain level of self-loathing. But in all of it, my heart and my head constantly bring me back to a level of understanding that is beyond that.

"For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I may show My power in you, and that My name may be declared in all the earth.”

Maybe it is not about my ability, or being uniquely good at something. Maybe it is not about my purpose, maybe it is about how much of God's power I can display? Maybe instead of allowing the things in my life to cause the signal from God through me to degrade, I should just focus on making myself the most efficient conduit of God's power I can be? I would argue that if I can do that, I am serving my purpose, and therefore reinforcing the cycle of conducting the power of God on earth. At the end of the day, that cycle is what I should be striving for. That Cycle of purpose tells me to do nothing but reflect God's power and do what I can to remove the hindrances from that in my life. Selah.